I Put Curtains Back Up on My Window

It was about the fifth or sixth time my mother visited me when she kindly bought me a bag of small curtains. You know for bathroom and kitchen windows type curtains. I knew she was trying to tell me nicely to go ahead and put some curtains up. I knew she was trying to help.But she didn’t know the back story. The real reason why there were no curtains up.

My bathroom window used to have white blinds and butterscotch curtains.I remember putting them back up after my children knocked them down. And, back up again until I lost count. One day I just stopped putting them back up.I just stopped doing a lot of things.

Through life’s struggles we are constantly under immense pressure. Through it we break and become something new. Like pottery or diamonds we are forged under raging flames. It is at our lowest points we are molded and shaped.

Broken Is Bad

Shame, when things became too difficult and I couldn’t meet expectations I thought I was broken and needed to fix it. I would beat myself up about it but, physically I couldn’t bring myself to keep going like I used to. It was like my body and mind were in cahoots and forced me to reconsider how I was functioning.

I didn’t feel sad, or mad, I just felt exhausted and unwilling to participate in the monotony.

I stopped doing everything. I even stopped doing for myself. I had stopped what I enjoyed and the things I loathed equally. Things around the house, my makeup, hanging out with friends. Little by little I just stopped everything that I used to do.

It was like a build up of unprocessed emotions, coupled with a lack of grace for myself. Like a car driving around with the gaslight on I finally broke down.

Stopping, was my silent way of rebelling against the expectations that were slowly wearing me down.

Life’s unpredictability took hold of me and everything I thought I knew was foreign. I had two babies in two years. Between pregnancy and postpartum I was a different person. A person I didn’t want to recognize but had to.

Every old method of handling my struggle, keeping up with mine and others standards. Trying to seem put together fell through like a caving in roof.

What came of it?

A new acceptance of myself and embracing who I was becoming. Realizing you have to change and adjust along with the new changes in your life. The old you wasn’t built for these new problems. I wasn’t broken I was changing, becoming. Breaking free from the expectations placed on me by others and myself. Getting to know what I really wanted from life and who I wanted to be.

Stopping, was my way of rebelling agaisnt expections that were wearing me down.

It was much deeper than just that one curtain. I was fine with the window not having curtains because, I was trying to survive. Letting go of all of the empty minuscule things that I was doing robotically. I was trying to prove myself and everyone that I was worthy.

The Issue Was In The Intentions

It wasn’t that I hated doing things, it was that I needed to change the intention behind them. Not doing things for people so they would love me. Not maintaining my home so that it would be perfectly clean, but maintaining it so that it’s clean. Take away the perfect part.

Theres a difference between perfect and clean. You see, growing up my father always wanted a perfectly clean home. Everything is pristine and in order all of the time. When it wasn’t he was upset. Naturally I tried to maintain that as an adult. It was what I was used to. I felt if it wasn’t perfectly clean something was wrong.But, with every extra responsibility and struggle maintaining that standard became like a brick weighing me down slowly. Even with all of the things I let go of doing. I ended up doing them when I was ready not because of a strange sense of shame or guilt that I felt.

I got to know some things about myself

I learned what motivated me. I learned to give myself grace when something was less than perfect which makes me give others grace. It’s okay to start over, have bad days, or even weeks. It’s not the end of the world when something isn’t done today there’s always tomorrow. You can relax and go with the flow instead of trying to be in control.If I can do something great, and if I can’t that’s fine too.

So if you’re wondering, yes I did put the curtains up and sure they probably won’t last long. And, I’ll keep putting them up not because I have to but, but because I want to.

To anyone who feels like they’re failing or not getting anywhere in life. Just start one thing at a time, one step at a time, one day at a time.