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Here is a summary of the transcript from YouTube, slightly edited with AI.
Why We Avoid Hard Conversations
I think a lot of people shy away—especially in their love life, but this broadens out to their entire lives. They back away from hard conversations, and at least one reason is because they don’t know the right words.
And they’re afraid.
If you’re in a long-term relationship, you might think, “If I say that, it’s all going to erupt.” Then you’re afraid of what’s going to come back at you. Most of us don’t have instruction on how to handle these moments.
That’s why it’s so powerful to learn the language of difficult conversations.
When Texts Are Out of Sync With Your Dynamic
When I first met my wife, Audrey, something happened that really illustrates this.
I went back to Los Angeles after we met, and we weren’t in a relationship—we were just two people who liked each other. We would text, but gradually my messages became more and more sparse. Eventually, it had been a couple of weeks since we’d spoken.
Out of nowhere, I sent her a message that said either “I miss you” or “I’m thinking of you.”
She replied:
“Hey, I hope you’re well. To be honest, when you send me things like that, I don’t really know what to say. We haven’t really been that close for a while now. And rightly or wrongly, this message comes across as a bid for attention.”
That stung—firstly because it was true.
When she said, “We haven’t been that close for a while now,” she was pointing out that the affection in my message was completely out of sync with the temperature of our dynamic. Things had cooled down because I hadn’t been consistent. Now I was sending something warm.
And when she said, “Rightly or wrongly,” that was powerful. It leaves space for her to be mistaken. She wasn’t attacking me. She wasn’t calling me an attention seeker. She simply said it comes across that way.
That kind of language is strong but clean.
When They Try to Win You Over
In that moment, I caught myself. Not everyone does. Some people double down and try even harder to win the other person over.
But when you set a standard, you have to be careful. If someone suddenly tries ten times harder, you can’t get too excited about that. It might just be a short-term effort to pull you back in.
Consistency is what matters.
You have to be able to say, “There’s nothing you can do today that will suddenly bring us back to the temperature we had three weeks ago. That temperature returns slowly, through consistent effort.”
If someone can rush you with affection and immediately get you back to where you were, they learn, “Oh—that’s all it takes.”
Another Mistake We Make
Here’s what I didn’t do. I didn’t reply with, “Oh my God, I’m such an idiot. Let’s be together.”
I realized she was right. I was being an attention seeker in that moment. I didn’t have more to give. So I backed off.
I didn’t send some dramatic message. I think it was just a version of, “I get it.” And I genuinely gave her space.
I learned that I couldn’t send those kinds of messages to this person unless I was actually prepared to show up consistently. There was nothing malicious in what I had done—but I was lonely. I wanted a hit of connection. And I couldn’t do that with her.
What she also didn’t do was text me three days later saying, “So, what are you up to?”
That’s another mistake people make. If you back off and they miss you, they sometimes reinitiate. All that teaches someone is that your “standard” was actually a tactic.
If You See They’re Still on Dating Apps
Let’s say you catch someone you’re dating in a lie. They told you they weren’t seeing other people, but you see their dating profile is still active.
You could say:
“It’s made me feel strange. I know you said you weren’t interested in seeing other people, but I’ve seen you’re still active on the app. It’s made me feel a little unsafe because I’m very conscious about who I give my energy to. I’ve been giving some of my best energy on the basis that we’re actually giving this a try. If that’s not the case, that’s okay. It’s not a crime to want to see other people. But I need to know so I can re-evaluate what I’m giving to this.”
That frame is powerful because it’s all about your standards. You’re not judging them. You’re not villainizing them. You’re simply saying, “What I have to offer is valuable, and I need clarity.”
Not Knowing Where You Stand
Now let’s say you’ve been casually seeing someone, but you don’t know where you both stand.
You could say:
“I’m having such a great time with you. But recently I realized that when people ask me out, I don’t know what to tell them. We haven’t talked about what this is or whether we’re really giving this a try.”
Then let it hang there. Invite them in.
“Where’s your head at with this?”
You’re not asking for something. You’re saying, “I’m not going to be on the market forever, and I want to steer traffic in the right direction.”
You can also add:
“I feel like we have something really fun here. I wouldn’t want to do anything that harms it if it’s leading somewhere we both want to explore.”
Having the Conversation Before Intimacy
You can even do this at the point of intimacy.
If someone is trying to sleep with you and you’re thinking, “I don’t want to do this if it’s just for fun,” you can say it warmly and playfully.
“Obviously this between us would be amazing—that much is clear. But I’m not in a place in my life where I want to do that unless we both really like each other and want to see where it’s going. If that’s not what you want, that’s okay—we don’t have to do this.”
You don’t have to suck the air out of the room. You can keep it warm, playful, even sexy. You’re just being intentional.
These Conversations Get Easier
These are important life skills. Not just in dating—but at work, in friendships, everywhere.
Hard conversations require bravery. They get easier the more you practice them. The more you embrace the conversations you used to avoid, the stronger that muscle becomes.
In the beginning, though, you have to be brave.
And the foundation for that bravery is clarity—being very clear about what’s interesting to you and what’s not.
Otherwise, any pitch someone makes, you’re liable to buy—because you haven’t decided ahead of time what you actually want.
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
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