I could feel the magnetism. It’s like… he is drawn to you.
That’s what my friend told me about the guy who I said goodbye to, very recent. Last night was one of the hardest nights that I went through. We talked about how situationships are harmful.
If you want to understand this story better, check out my previous post.
When Wanting Isn’t Enough
I decided we need an official ending. The chemistry I felt, the moments we had, all of them were making him want me more. I felt the desire for him with every single cell of mine.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t stand not being with him. The emptiness that I felt when I missed him but couldn’t rely on him. The pain my heart felt every time I felt I have him half and half in my life. I didn’t want to be in that place.
As you probably know, we work together. So, yesterday I made up my mind: I want to tell him it’s over. No more rides. I’m going to explain to him why not and no more confusion.
All of yesterday I was stuck with the thought:
It is going to be the last night.
Last night of rides. Last night of hugs. Last night of moments which I so am going to miss.
I could feel the shaking inside of me. I could feel the tears. I could feel the sadness. I seemed totally fine. I pretended to. I smiled at all of the customers, I did the small talks, I paid attention to every detail and tried my best to do everything right.
Then, on my break I went to the restroom. I looked in the mirror and tried to find the words I was going to tell him on the way. Instantly, I started crying. I knew that I’ll miss him. I knew there was no hope.
Seven Minutes of Goodbye
Our shift was over. I took on his car. We started talking. “There are some important things that I want to say” I said. “Sure! The only thing is that I have guests for tonight. Is 6–7 minutes alright for you?” He said. 6–7 minutes? That was it? Our goodbye? I stayed calm. “It’s going to be much less needed!” I said.
I was trying to find the proper words. After 8 hours of working, at 9:30 p.m, being the most tired version of myself, with knowing the fact that I don’t have that much time.
“We talked before. We both know what’s going on. We had a lot of time to think. I think we both have made up our minds. I guess you did it sooner than me but anyway I want to talk about mine. With the situation that we had, distance was the best choice which we made.”
“I think our distance was because of our maturity. I thought about us. I thought about you. I thought about me. You’ll leave in 4 months. There are 2 options. First, you not leaving here which doesn’t make sense because it’s your dream. It’s your passion. It’s your path . Second, I join you there. Honestly, I cannot. If we start dating now, we’ll have fun. We’ll hang out, we’ll kiss, we’ll have sex. We would be important parts of each other’s lives and then, It’ll be over. I have experience of this kind of relationships. It’ll be a mess. I’m not in a place in my life which I can go through a mess. I’m more fun than what you’ve seen. Maybe you felt a coldness from me sometimes. It was on purpose. I wanted the distance. I was thinking about both of us.”
We were both trying to be cold — and yet, the fire between us never stopped burning.
“I felt the distance is an unwritten compromise between us. I’m on the same page as you. So, I didn’t feel like it was a non-sense distance or something. The rides are fun? Totally, but I think they’d better not”
“You mean no more fun?” I could hear the denial.
“I mean no more rides.”
“I never meant to bother you with rides. I just…”
“I know. I never thought that way. I really want to thank you.”
“Don’t. Just… don’t. If you don’t like to be in rides…”
“No. I do. But it’s better not to. I really wish that there was a way that we just hangout like this and just that but there’s not. We get to know each other more. This… grows.”
Almost More Than a Hug
Our conversation was over. I was thinking with myself that was I going to hug him or not. I thought I’m going to regret it if not hug him. In the middle of my consideration, he hugged me.
We cuddled for minutes. Then he stopped. He came out of the cuddle. I grabbed his arm. I looked him in the eyes, I didn’t want it to be over. He looked in my eyes, my lips. I looked in his eyes, his lips.
All I wanted at that moment was a kiss. I wanted to know how it feels. I wanted to know if it’s as exciting as I thought. I just wanted him. I didn’t want to let him go. I didn’t want him to let me go.
I grabbed my bag and opened the door. “Take care of yourself” he said and I knew he really meant it. I got out of the car. The moment I walked away, my tears started dropping. I could feel the heat of them on my face.
Still Drawn to You
Today I met my friend. She also works with us. She once said “Whenever you guys are in the same place, I can feel something between you too. Let me figure it out and I’ll tell you later what I feel.”
Today I asked her “By the way, what was the feeling that you told me before?”
“I could feel the magnetism. It’s like he’s drawn to you.”
I smiled. I really needed something to remind me of him_ of him and his feelings. Am I sad? Definitely but I also am very proud of making the right choice.
If this touched a part of your story too, let me know by hitting that clap button — it means more than you know.
And if you’d like to read more pieces about love, loss, and everything in between, follow me here on Medium.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
Does dating ever feel challenging, awkward or frustrating?
Turn Your Dating Life into a WOW! with our new classes and live coaching.
Click here for more info or to buy with special launch pricing!
***
—–
Photo credit: Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
The post Ending What Never Began appeared first on The Good Men Project.