I recently went to dinner with a woman, but I’d forgotten to take my anxiety medication. I had a panic attack right there at the table. I was sweating and hyperventilating. She was very sweet. She even held my hand through it. What an angel!
Then we went to my apartment to get my medicine, and I felt better. I’m a film-school student, so I showed her a movie I’d made. The problem? In my film, I play a guy who murders his girlfriend, and the murder is shown. She was horrified as we watched.
Realizing I’d totally messed up, I turned off the movie and thought, “Maybe go for a kiss?” I moved in, but she pulled back and said, “I’m just not feeling comfortable.” She left and I haven’t heard from her.
I’d like to see her again. Any advice on how to do it? Or should I move on?
—Jonathan, 29, Chicago
What a player! You used the classic “Have a panic attack to get her back to your place to watch you murder your movie girlfriend so you can make out” gambit. A timeless tactic.
Before I yell at you for making your date watch a movie that shows your character killing (!!) a woman, let’s talk about something else.
You just had what they call a Disaster Date. That’s when things go very wrong with a woman you’re very into. Don’t sweat it! Disaster Dates happen to all of us at some point. I once klutzily elbowed a dirty martini onto my crush’s lap, and I did it to her again one cocktail later. And there’s my client Xander who had too many tequila shots and hurled in a taxi—all over his date’s $900 Christian Louboutin pumps, which were ruined.
Amazingly, both of these wonderful women found it in their forgiving hearts to give Xander and me another chance, respectively.
Why? First, we apologized with total sincerity. We fell on our broadswords and essentially said, “I screwed up. I am so sorry.” We also conveyed true empathy, imagining how upsetting it must have felt to, say, see a new pair of Louboutins get tarnished by recycled tequila. (Xander did the right thing and bought her a new pair of pumps.)
Jonathan, don’t ask for another date. Not yet, anyway. Forget about what you want for a minute. Without any agenda, apologize to her for being a high-maintenance, hyperventilating dinner date.
More importantly, say you’re oh so sorry for your cinematic choices. Films that show violence against women can be triggering to watch in general. But to actually be sitting next to the person whose character is committing that movie violence must have felt surreal and unsettling to her.
Text her (or tell her via a voice note) something like this: “I’m so sorry for that terrible date. It was a total disaster, and it was all my fault. You were a trooper for helping me through my panic attack, but you should not have been put in that position. I’m also sorry for making you watch that movie. I was trying to impress you by showing off my acting skills. But you must have felt uncomfortable watching that disturbing scene. You deserved a much better date. I apologize.”
If she doesn’t reply, move on. If she replies with a curt “Thanks for saying that,” move on. Chalk it up as a lesson learned for your next date.
Now, if she responds with positivity, and the two of you start texting again, feel free to ask her out. She might even be so impressed by your classy apology that she will float the idea of a second date. (After I said I was sorry to the woman I doused in martinis, she texted me, “I appreciate that a lot. You’re a golfer, right? How about a Mulligan? ;)”
(Oh, another tip, for all your future dates: Only go for a first kiss if you sense that the woman feels safe and comfortable with you—which this girl clearly did not.)
If she gives you another chance, thank the heavens—and the Good Men Project!
And since you’re a film student, remember that the vibe women want on a first date is When Harry Met Sally, not American Psycho.
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I SECOND THAT EMOJI 
I’m not sure how to use emojis when texting. I don’t want to overdo it and sound like a teeny-bopper. But without any emojis my texts get boring, and women lose interest. Got any tips?
—Derek, 41, Columbus, Ohio
Back in the day, I resisted using emojis when texting women. Real men don’t emoji, I thought. But I was a 
When used properly, emojis make you a better, flirtier texter… and that means more dates!
It’s about finding the right balance, so you can keep your crush interested and still sound like a man—not, like, umm, a tween girl (Lolzzz!)
Here are 1⃣1⃣ emoji rules to help you flirt over text and find the 
to her 
1: Let’s say you got a woman’s number, or you matched on a dating app. End your first message to her with a 
In real life, winking falls somewhere between awkward and restraining order. But in emoji-land it sets a light, flirty tone.
2: Use emojis roughly every other text, and max out at two emojis per message. Unless she sends you a sexy selfie, in which case show your appreciation with multiple 
s
3: Only use 
, 
or 
as a joke, never as a way to get sexual. And 
feels a bit over-eager. The exception? When used with irony. A text I recently sent my girlfriend: “Looks like I need a root canal! ”
4: Puns pair well with emojis. Let’s say your crush agrees to getting drinks with you and asks if you’re free on Thursday. Don’t say “yes.” Say “Dolphin-itely 
”
5: Don’t slip her the 
She will not get turned on. She will think of slobber.
6: How to : Red hearts mean romantic love, so in the first several dates avoid using them inside of texts. DO use them as tapbacks to approve of something she writes. Speaking of tapbacks…
7: Feel free to your own comment after you write something you like. It shows a cheekiness that many women find attractive.
8: Never give her a It seems business-like, even dismissive, rather than flirty. Use it to confirm a job interview, not a date. (My client Vikram -ed a Hinge date’s text and she 
-ed him.)
9: As a playful tease you can 
her comment when she says something patently absurd (“Michael Buble is a musical genius!”)
10: When cracking a joke or teasing her, use 
or 
to let her know that you’re kidding. The first rule of using humor in texting is not to be funny. It’s to be clear that you’re being funny. A well-placed emoji clarifies your playful intent, so that you won’t accidentally come across as mean.
11: Break ANY of the these rules after you and she 
together for the first time. Make her feel great about her decision to become intimate with you: “Wow! Last night was just… Wow 
”
***
Got a dating question for Connell? Email it to GMPDating@gmail.com
Connell Barrett is a dating coach for men, the founder of DatingTransformation.com, and host of the Dating Transformation Podcast.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
The post HELP! My Last Date Was a Disaster, and Now She Thinks I’m a Murderer! appeared first on The Good Men Project.