I want to say this first, before anything else:
I wasn’t trying to play you.
I wasn’t trying to waste your time. I wasn’t pretending I didn’t know what I was doing. I did know. I just didn’t know how to say it. Maybe I was just afraid of what it would cost me.
For me, it didn’t start as a situationship. It began light, easy, and safe. We were just two people enjoying each other without pressure. At least, that’s what I told myself.
But over time, things got deeper. Our conversations lasted longer, we became more comfortable, and routines formed. We ended up in something that felt like a relationship, even if we never called it that.
And I let it happen.
When you asked, “What are we?” I felt my chest tighten. It wasn’t that I didn’t care. I knew what that question really meant.
It meant expectations.
It meant responsibility.
It meant being seen for who I am, and maybe failing anyway.
I never doubted my feelings for you. I only doubted whether I could support someone else without losing myself.
So instead of saying, “I’m scared,” I said, “Let’s just see where this goes.”
It sounded mature, flexible, and honest.
But what I really meant was that I liked you, but I was afraid of what it would mean to actually choose you.
Here’s the part that’s hard for you to hear, but I must say this;
Being with you felt good. You were kind, you listened, and you made space for me. I know I gained a lot from being close to you.
But committing meant I would have to show up all the time, even on days when I wasn’t sure of myself. It meant I couldn’t leave when things got hard. I couldn’t keep one foot out the door just in case.
Not having clear labels gave me space to breathe.
But it also let me avoid the responsibility and commitment required.
I told myself I was being honest because I never promised forever or anything close. I never used labels. I never lied, at least not directly.
But sometimes, silence is its own kind of deception.
I knew you were hoping. I could feel it in the way you asked questions so carefully, in the way you stayed even when I didn’t give you answers, and in the way you tried not to show you wanted more.
And instead of meeting you where you were, I stayed where I felt comfortable.
When you finally asked for clarity, it didn’t feel sudden to you. But to me, it felt sudden because it forced me to make a decision I had been putting off.
Choosing you meant choosing this, with all the unknowns that came with it. I wasn’t ready to choose something that needed so much certainty.
So I left.
Not because you weren’t enough.
But because I wasn’t ready to become the person who could give you what you deserved.
Being apart has a way of making the truth clearer for you to see.
I see now that not being clear about feelings isn’t neutral. It always helps the person who needs less. It protects the one who is already halfway out.
I also see that avoiding labels doesn’t stop pain. It just delays it and puts the weight on someone else.
I always thought that not committing made me an honest and self-aware person.
Now I wonder if it was just fear acting out like flexibility.
So here’s the question I keep asking myself:
If I enjoy someone’s company, their care, and their emotional effort, when do I owe them clarity instead of just comfort?
Being connected to someone without the courage to commit isn’t harmless.
And next time, I don’t want to leave someone wondering what they did wrong, when the truth is that I just didn’t choose them when it mattered.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Sam Burke on Unsplash
The post I Didn’t Want to Hurt You; I Just Wasn’t Ready appeared first on The Good Men Project.