The Avoidant Mind During No Contact: Respond Properly

You’ve had enough. Your avoidant partner decided to walk out the door, and you finally put your foot on the ground and drew a line in the sand.

You have started the hard part and empowered yourself to take control over your relationships and refuse to give in to your partner’s behavior.

You’ve read that the best course of action is to go into no contact and put the ball in your partner’s court to resolve the issues in the relationship.

I’m with you. It can be more than frustrating to deal with a partner who seemingly puts you off to the side, consistently fails to show you the value you bring to their life, and doesn’t show up to the table when it’s time to talk about a path forward.

No contact is a powerful tool if you’re using it correctly.

Here’s the problem: most people don’t use it correctly.

Most people go into no contact and go through the following cycle: Doing it because they ran out of options and they’re exhausted, followed by frustration because of the new gap in their relationship. Next, wondering when their partner is going to show up to talk, marking the days on the calendar. Lastly, anger.

The truth is, if you’re not using no contact to regain your internal sense of security, build your confidence in yourself, strengthen your positive qualities, and discover your desired outcome, stop using no contact.

I know you are wondering what your avoidant partner is thinking during no contact, and it is important to know, so let’s dive in.

The early stages

I bet I can hover over my crystal ball and guess what happened when you began no contact with your partner.

Absolutely nothing. No plea to get you back into your life, no soft attempt at reaching out, not even a text to check in.

While it feels like a slap in the face, your avoidant partner is going through the initial stage of no contact: comfort.

What people don’t understand is that you and your partner start on opposite sides of the spectrum. You are in the “fix it stage,” while they are in the “finally this is over stage.”

Avoidants will live in this stage for longer periods than any other attachment style.

You feel like they are relieved because you are out of their life and they can live happily ever after without you. Wrong.

They are in the stage where they are relieved of the responsibility of difficult conversations. They are relieved that they don’t have to answer to anyone and can regain their independence. They are relieved of feeling forced to process emotions.

Unfortunately, this stage can last for a while. I’m not here to feed you a dream, but you must know the truth.

You’re wondering what your partner is thinking during this prolonged period of silence, and here it is: They’re not thinking about anything.

High tide

I know I didn’t deliver the best news at the end of the previous bullet, but if you remain composed and stay out of the cycle of letting the silence reflect something about you, then the power shift begins.

Do you know why your avoidant partner is hot and cold (fearful avoidant) or remains in their hyper-independent (dismissive avoidant) state for so long, even when you are actively in a relationship? It is because you constantly try to fight against their actions and behaviors.

Your partner uses your reactions as a means to justify their actions. Remember all those times when you began to wonder, “Am I too overbearing?” “Could this be my fault?” Those moments added to the layers of the wall that the avoidant uses against you.

What happens when all that stops and your partner no longer feels like someone is pulling when they are pushing?

Tides turn, and the opposite chemistry begins to work.

When your partner feels like you have backed off and given them space, they begin to wonder how “great” the space is. It is the moment when they begin to feel the void in the relationship and wonder where that person is who “is always in fix-it mode.”

The key is how you react when you inevitably hear from them. Stop counting the days and focus on how to best prepare yourself.

You are not here to fix it. You are not going to create a path forward if you don’t place a higher degree of responsibility or ownership on them.

The key is your partner feeling empowered to do so. If they feel like you’re forcing it on them, the trigger will hit, and they will fade away again.

The final lap

You cannot screw this last piece up. I repeat, do not screw this last piece up.

Avoidants do not operate in the same emotional release patterns that you do.

If a relationship ended between you and me and we went through a period of no contact, we would probably return to the table with some discussion points and engage in a conversation where we share some vulnerability but find middle ground.

When you are with an avoidant, you are more likely to get a soft reach out instead of that emotionally charged conversation you low-key hoped for.

There are three things you don’t want to do at this moment.

• As good as it feels to have the avoidant’s name pop up on your phone, do not get so excited that you drop everything you’re doing and tell them how wonderful it is to hear from them and start the process of putting the pieces of the puzzle back together. It is their job to start the conversation and reengage with the person whom they claimed they’re better off without. If you open access with no guardrils, they will leave and do it all over again. Why? Because you’ll be there.
• Do not be cold and completely reject the notion of reengaging with them. They will shut down and disappear just as fast as they picked up the phone to connect with you. If that’s your game, then why not just completely cut things off from the jump?
• Do not approach them with a hyper-emotionally charged conversation. I am not telling you that you should close yourself off to expressing yourself and sharing needs that you have, along with the laundry list of issues in the relationship. If you overwhelm an avoidant, they will disappear again. Rome wasn’t built in a day.

 

Wrap it up

I know it does not resolve all of the problems, but an avoidant reaching out is their first subconscious test of whether or not their fears are confirmed or if they see the value of putting the energy into creating change.

I always tell the truth; this process takes time with avoidants. Step-by-step and day-by-day. If you rush the process, they will create a lens where you are the problem, and their escape is around the corner.

If you’re ready to work through your relationship patterns and earn secure attachment, I offer a structured 8-week Attachment Style Transformation course as well as one-time 1:1 coaching sessions. To learn more and see if it’s a good fit, click here or email me at bcawosika@gmail.com to book a free 15-minute onboarding call.