In a world where everything feels like a performance, are we still choosing pain over peace in the name of love?
Why do we want a love that breaks us, even when we know it’s not what we deserve?
It’s a strange kind of longing. One that keeps us up at night, scrolling through old messages, holding onto fragments of conversations like they’re proof that we once mattered to someone.
Why are we okay with a love that makes us feel replaceable?
Why do we romanticize the waiting, the wondering, the silent tears behind locked doors?
Love was never supposed to feel like begging.
But somehow, we’ve been taught that the pain is part of the story.
The woman who forgives too much.
The man who stays quiet to avoid confrontation.
The couple that breaks a thousand times and calls it passion.
We applaud this. We call it strength.
But it’s not strength. It’s survival.
And survival shouldn’t be the goal of love.
The Inherited Lie
Maybe it started early.
Fairy tales that taught us the princess had to endure before she could be chosen. Bollywood romances that equated obsession with affection.
or the stories our parents never told, but lived every day in front of us marriages held together by duty, not desire.
We grew up watching love look like sacrifice.
And not the beautiful kind.
The kind where dreams were shelved, feelings were silenced, and loneliness became a familiar guest at dinner tables.
So, we internalized it.
We believed that to be loved, we must shrink.
To be wanted, we must wait.
To be chosen, we must tolerate.
And now, we fall in love with red flags and call it fate.
“At Least He Comes Back”
How often have you heard a woman say, “He gets angry sometimes, but at least he comes back”?
Or a man confess, “She ignores me for days, but when we’re good, we’re great”?
That “at least” is the wound.
The bandage we wrap around emotional neglect to make it sound bearable.
Because admitting we’re lonely in love feels like failure.
So we redefine love.
We call inconsistency mysterious.
We call control protective.
We call toxicity intense.
And then we wonder why we’re tired all the time.
Why we don’t feel safe even in the arms that are supposed to hold us.
Why our friends say we’ve changed, and we tell them we’re just “adjusting.”
We’re not adjusting.
We’re eroding.
The Performance of Modern Love
In the age of digital intimacy, we’ve mastered the art of looking happy.
Smiles for the camera. Captions that scream connection.
But behind the screen, there’s silence.
Unsent texts. Passive-aggressive distance.
Words that never arrive when we need them most.
We’ve learned to curate love like content.
We celebrate anniversaries without addressing the growing emotional distance.
We post vacation pictures to distract from the fights.
We say “I love you” out of habit, not truth.
Love becomes a brand, not a bond.
But why do we want this in this world?
Why is it easier to pretend than to rebuild?
Why are we more afraid of being alone than being unloved?
The Conditioning of Women
Let’s talk honestly.
Most women are raised to believe that love is the ultimate achievement.
That no matter how successful, intelligent, or independent they are being chosen is the prize.
So we wait to be noticed.
We try to be “low maintenance.”
We don’t ask for much because we don’t want to scare him away.
We over-explain. We overcompensate.
And when it doesn’t work, we overthink.
We become fluent in self-blame.
“Maybe I’m too emotional.”
“Maybe I expect too much.”
“Maybe if I just give him more time…”
But love doesn’t require performance.
It requires presence.
And no amount of pretending will make absence feel like affection.
The Silent Struggles of Men
Men aren’t spared either.
They’re told to “man up,” “don’t cry,” “stay strong.”
They’re raised to be providers, not partners.
So when they feel insecure, unheard, or emotionally lost they freeze. They hide.
And we call that “stoic.”
But it’s not.
It’s fear.
It’s silence handed down from generations that believed emotion was weakness.
Men want love too.
They want to be held, reassured, chosen.
But who teaches them how to ask for it?
Who tells them it’s okay to be soft?
Love Shouldn’t Be A Battle
The truth is love should not be a battlefield.
It’s not supposed to make you anxious every day.
You shouldn’t have to decode texts, chase clarity, or fight for consistency.
Love isn’t supposed to exhaust you.
Yes, all relationships require effort.
But effort and suffering are not the same thing.
Effort builds. Suffering erodes.
And somewhere deep down, we know that.
So why do we still chase what breaks us?
Maybe because we think it’s the only way to feel deeply.
Maybe because we confuse intensity with intimacy.
Or maybe we’ve just never seen what healthy love looks like.
What If Love Felt Like Safety?
What if love didn’t make you question your worth?
What if it didn’t require you to prove yourself again and again?
What if you could speak your fears and not be mocked?
What if you were chosen without having to beg?
What if love felt like exhale, not a panic attack?
Imagine being with someone who listens without defense.
Who remembers the little things.
Who shows up not just on good days, but when you’re messy, insecure, or silent.
Would you know what to do with that kind of love?
Or have you spent so long surviving, that safety now feels suspicious?
So, Why Do We Want This in This World?
Why do we want a love that makes us small?
Why do we still call it love when it comes with conditions, confusion, and quiet suffering?
Is it because it’s familiar?
Because everyone else seems to be doing the same thing?
Because we’re scared that asking for more will leave us with nothing?
Maybe it’s time to rewrite the story.
To stop applauding love that breaks us.
To start believing in love that builds us.
Because you deserve more than a love that drains you.
You deserve to be loved in your entirety.
Not just for how much you endure, but for who you are when you stop pretending.
If this resonated with you, share it or leave a comment below.
Let’s unlearn pain-based love together.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Marat Khairat On Unsplash
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The post Why Do We Want a Love That Breaks Us? appeared first on The Good Men Project.