Why Your Teen May Be Hiding Their Emotions Around Friends

The pre-teen and teen years are an emotionally turbulent time. Not only do kid’s moods appear all over the place, but you may also notice everything from eye rolls and sarcastic remarks to emotional outbursts. Much of this moodiness is normal as they come to terms with the changes that are taking place in their lives and in their bodies.

But, have you also noticed that your teen—despite showing a broad range of emotions at home—is not showing any emotion when they are around their friends? Instead, they are stoic and keep their true emotions bottled up. When this happens, psychologists refer to it as expressive suppression.

“Expressive suppression is a strategy some teens use to manage their emotions in emotionally charged situations,” explains Andrew Kami, PhD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Pacific Oaks College. “Instead of expressing how they feel, they try to hide or hold back those emotions. While it can help teens stay composed in the moment, overusing suppression can make it harder for them to process emotions in healthy ways.”

Understanding Expressive Suppression

Expressive suppression occurs when your teen feels an emotion but tries not to show it, says Robin Koslowitz, PhD, a clinical child psychologist and author of Post-Traumatic Parenting. “It’s not that they’re not feeling it, they’re just trying to hide it. It’s incredibly common, especially in teen years.”

Kids use expressive suppression to blend in, to keep the peace, or to avoid being judged, says Koslowitz. It would be embarrassing for them to burst into tears at school because of a mild slight, or to yell at a friend when they actually didn’t mean any offense; but what starts as a coping skill can quickly become a pattern, she says.

“Emotions are signals,” says Koslowitz. “One way to deal with a signal is to figure out what it’s signifying. Another way…is to shut off the alarm. If you think of emotions as the ‘fire alarm’ in your brain, you could just pull the plug on the alarm, but if it’s signaling something important, that’s a risky long-term strategy.”

Peer Influence on Emotional Expression

Teens often feel like they have to “earn” the right to be emotional with friends, says Kami. “Peer relationships are deeply tied to identity, acceptance, and belonging, so being misunderstood or rejected by peers can be especially painful.”

Both family and friend groups come with their own types of pressure—sometimes direct, like being told “you’re too sensitive,” or more subtle, like never seeing anyone else cry, says Kami. These messages, whether spoken or unspoken, shape how teens learn to express—or suppress—their emotions, he says.

“This isn’t about labeling something as good or bad,” he says. “It’s about understanding the emotional cost to your teen—how much effort it takes for them to hold it in, and what they might be missing by not feeling free to be fully themselves.” 

According to Koslowitz, if your teen is more emotionally open with you than with their friends, that often means they feel safe at home. “Teens are wired to care about peer approval, and the fear of judgment or social fallout is real…Your goal as a parent isn’t to make them express everything everywhere. It’s to make home the place where the feelings are allowed. The rest will follow.”

Signs Your Teen Might Be Suppressing Emotions

When supporting teens, Kami says there are a few key things to look for that might suggest they’re holding back their emotions. One of the first signs is how they express—or don’t express—emotion. “If your teen rarely smiles, even during lighthearted moments, or if they show emotions that don’t seem to match the situation, like smiling when they’re clearly upset, it could be a sign they’re masking what they really feel.”

Also pay attention to how they describe their emotions, he says. If you notice they say things like “I’m fine” or “whatever” with little variation, that may signal emotional avoidance. You might also notice signs of perfectionism—being overly cautious, afraid to make mistakes, or showing a strong need to appear “in control.” These behaviors can sometimes be rooted in a fear of being judged or misunderstood, he says.

“Some teens may have sudden emotional outbursts, not because they’re dramatic, but because they’ve been bottling things up for too long,” explains Kami. “Others may withdraw completely—spending more time alone, avoiding situations where emotions might come up, or choosing quiet, private spaces where they don’t have to think about or manage feelings.”

Overall, our experts suggest you look for these signs in your child:

• Being easily triggered
• Having muted, dull, or non-existent emotions
• Reacting in ways that do not match the emotional intensity of the situation
• Brushing things off or saying “I’m fine” when it’s clear they are not
• Shutting down during conversations
• Overreacting during insignificant moments
• Avoiding emotionally-charged situations
• Displaying symptoms like headaches, fatigue, or emotional overload

“These signs aren’t always cause for alarm, but they can be gentle clues that your teen might need a little more emotional support, space, or reassurance,” says Kami.

Psychological Consequences

When kids choose expressive suppression they are telling their brain “this is how we handle emotions,” says Morala. The issue is that they may start to believe that their emotions are not valuable and their needs don’t get heard or met, she says. That creates an environment for other issues, like depression, anxiety, and/or insecure attachments, to breed.

“Suppressing emotions doesn’t just affect how a teen looks on the outside—it can also have real physical and emotional impacts,” says Kami. “When teens hold back their feelings, it can also lead to noticeable changes in the body, like increased heart rate, high blood pressure, and a rise in body temperature.” 

Teens may also start using fewer emotional words and struggle to express how they feel, which can make communication harder—not just with others, but even with themselves, he says. They may even begin to question or dismiss their own emotional experiences.

“When you shove an emotion under the rug over and over again, eventually, there’s no more rug,” says Koslowitz. “The feelings pile up, and they don’t go away. They just come out in different ways. Frequently, kids who suppress emotions at school come home irritable in a low-key fashion at home. Then, they may feel guilty for snapping at a younger sibling, which just gives them another emotion to suppress. It’s like trying to keep a beach ball underwater—eventually, it pops back up, and not always in a controlled way.”

Guidance for Parents

According to Morala, you can create a safe space for your teen to let go of expressive suppression by modeling having emotions, and offering alternative, healthy ways to regulate those emotions—such as practicing grounding skills or reseting with a nature walk.

“Additionally, when your child is having an emotional reaction, instead of singling them out and drawing attention to it, be willing to sit with them in their experience, help them put a name to what they are experiencing, normalize the emotion through empathy and compassion, and empower them to speak what their need is as they work through the emotion,” she says.

Here are some practical ways to do that:

• Strive to be the safest person in the room. According to Koslowitz, that means listening, without intruding or trying to teach. Just hear them out, she says.
• Model the behavior you want to see. According to Kami, every good therapist will tell you that having a conversation with your teen is only half the work. “The other half comes from the environment around them—especially their family. Teens learn more from what you do than what you say.” 
• Validate their feelings. Remember, there’s always a valid aspect to an emotion, says Koslowitz. Never pair the word “should” with the word “feel,” she says. “Say things like, ‘I can see this is really hard,’ or ‘That makes sense you’d feel that way,’ before offering solutions.”
• Use emotional language openly. Kami suggests saying things like: “I was so irritated by traffic today, so I sat outside for a while to cool down.” When you express your feelings in calm, honest ways, teens learn it’s safe to do the same, he says.
• Teach emotional tolerance, not just problem-solving. According to Kami, not every feeling needs to be “fixed.” Instead, help your teen learn to sit with their emotions. Let them vent without jumping to solutions, he says.
• Use activities to help them express feelings without having a big talk. Shoot hoops while casually checking in, says Koslowitz. Watch a movie together and ask, “Did that character remind you of anyone?” These moments open doors without forcing them.
• Celebrate the fact that they’re sharing—no matter how it sounds. Whether your teen tells you something small, big, awkward, or emotional, Kami suggests starting with: “I’m so glad you told me that.” Even if you don’t agree with how they said it, he says reinforcing the act of sharing builds trust. “It shows that emotions—no matter how messy—are welcome and manageable in your relationship.”

“At the end of the day, the goal isn’t for your teen to be emotionally perfect,” says Koslowitz.  It’s for them to trust that when a hard feeling shows up, they don’t have to push it away. You’ll help them hold it.”