In a continually changing world, what it means to be a man continues to be questioned.
For generations, masculinity came with a fairly clear instruction manual: men were expected to be strong, stoic, reliable providers who kept their emotions in check and handled problems quietly.
Whether or not those expectations were healthy is another conversation (they weren’t), but at least they were defined and recognizable.
Over the last five to ten years, that manual has been ripped up, rewritten, argued over, and partially burned – often all at once.
Today, many men find themselves standing at a crossroads, unsure which direction leads to respect, connection, or self-worth.
There have been conflicting messages from the media, politicians, parents, some partners, and the world in general. In just the last several years, it seems like the messaging around masculinity being “toxic” has shifted to men being told they need to be MORE masculine.
- Be strong but not intimidating – unless you need to be because it’s part of being manly.
- Be confident, but not arrogant – unless arrogance is part of your masculine confidence – then it’s okay.
- Lead, but don’t dominate – unless domination is required.
- Step back, step up, relinquish authority while you’re taking charge.
It’s no wonder men are confused, defensive, and exhausted. They’re suffering from emotional whiplash.
When the Old Rules Stopped Working
Masculinity hasn’t disappeared, but it has been redefined. And for many men, the hardest part isn’t rejecting outdated ideas. It’s figuring out what’s supposed to replace them.
For a long time, masculinity was defined by what men did.
They,
- Worked hard.
- Provided.
- Solved problems.
Check, check, and check.
They measured their own value (as did others) by their productivity, endurance, control, and emotional restraint (unless it was an expression of anger or sexual desire), and emotional restraint wasn’t just encouraged – it was rewarded.
But society changed. And then it changed more. These shifts weren’t subtle, and they didn’t happen gradually – they happened fast.
Conversations around mental health, emotional labor, consent, and equality are now mainstream, and that’s not a bad thing. The traditional masculinity hallmarks really weren’t healthy for anyone.
But the expectation that a man should be an alpha – wait, no, a beta – okay alpha-ish with a beta base, can leave a guy’s head spinning.
Don’t be aggressive unless you need to be.
When is that?
Don’t be controlling unless controlling the situation is helpful.
Example please?
Don’t suppress emotions unless they’re the wrong emotions.
Um, what?
Don’t dominate conversations, unless you’re explaining something, but don’t mansplain.
How do I do that?
Don’t default to fixing unless it needs to be fixed – then fix it without being asked.
I have a headache now.
This leaves many men asking, “Who exactly am I supposed to be?”
Let’s see if we can clear that up a bit.
Strength, Vulnerability, And The Emotional Gray Area
One of the biggest shifts in modern masculinity is the expectation of emotional openness.
Men are now encouraged to talk about feelings, seek therapy, and be emotionally present partners and fathers. On paper, this is progress.
But the transition hasn’t been simple.
Most men were never taught how to identify or articulate emotions beyond anger, stress, or frustration. Vulnerability doesn’t come naturally when you’ve spent decades learning to stay composed, minimize pain, and push through discomfort.
Being told to “open up” without being given emotional tools can feel like being asked to speak a language you were never taught.
Some men also worry that showing vulnerability will cost them respect, authority, or make them less attractive. And as the tide turns towards once again encouraging more traditional “masculine” behaviors, this isn’t an entirely unfounded fear.
Others have experienced moments where they did open up, only to feel dismissed,
misunderstood, or later judged for it. That creates hesitation, even resentment.
What does this mean?
It means the modern guy is often caught in a gray area, expected to be emotionally available, authoritative, vulnerable, and strong all at once, in the right proportions. That balancing act is exhausting, especially when the rules seem to change depending on the relationship or situation.
Masculinity Under The Microscope
Another reason for confusion is that “masculinity” and what it means to be a man are often discussed as a problem to be fixed.
Men have been told that to be “masculine” in historically defined terms is toxic, and often feel blamed and expected to apologize for simply being male. Over time, that can lead to defensiveness or withdrawal, rather than growth.
The truth is that masculinity isn’t inherently toxic, although certain expressions of it can be.
But the same qualities that can become destructive in the wrong circumstances – strength, assertiveness, authority, passion – are also essential in many others.
This means that depending on the situation a man is in, masculinity is either something to defend aggressively or something to distance oneself from entirely. That leaves many men feeling misrepresented by both sides.
One side frames masculinity as inherently bad being under attack, while the other often treats it as under attack.
Left in the middle are men who aren’t trying to make a statement at all – they’re just trying to be decent partners, fathers, coworkers, and people without being reduced to a stereotype.
Redefining What Actually Matters
So, what does “being a man” mean today?
For many men, there’s no clear answer. It’s not being the stoic stereotype of the 60s and 70s, the corporate 80-hour-a-week man of the 80s and 90s, or the overly effusive, emotions-on-your-sleeve guy of the 2000s.
Nor is it the full force, man’s man that seem to be taking over as the current incarnation of masculinity.
The truth is that men don’t need to become more or less masculine at all. They just need permission to define masculinity in ways that are flexible and authentic to who they each are as individual.
Modern masculinity is less about proving what it means to be a man and more about showing up.
- Showing up for your partner emotionally, even when it’s uncomfortable.
- Showing up for your children with patience, not just protection.
- Showing up for yourself by addressing stress, burnout, and mental health instead of numbing them away.
The healthiest version of masculinity allows for complexity.
You can be,
- Strong and gentle.
- Decisive and curious.
- Protective without being possessive.
- Confident without being closed off.
It also recognizes that masculinity doesn’t look the same for every man.
Cultural background, personality, upbringing, and life experience all shape how masculinity is expressed. There is no single template anymore.
So, consider the confusion many men feel not as a failure, but as a sign that being a guy is a no-definition-required state.
Finding Your Own Definition
The healthiest men today aren’t the ones trying to perform masculinity perfectly. They’re the ones who’ve taken time to reflect on what actually matters to them.
They ask questions like,
- What kind of partner do I want to be?
- What values do I want to model?
- How do I want people to feel around me?
Redefining masculinity isn’t about getting it “right” according to social media or cultural debates. It’s about building a version of manhood that feels grounded, honest, and sustainable.
That process is ongoing. It involves mistakes, discomfort, and unlearning. But it also creates room for deeper relationships, better mental health, and a stronger sense of self.
Real strength today isn’t about pretending emotions don’t exist. It’s about learning how to hold them without being ruled by them. That’s a skill, not a personality trait – and it takes time, practice, and patience.
Men and masculinity are evolving, like all things do. And evolution, by nature, is messy, but it’s also where growth happens.
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