However desperate our ego is to believe it holds control, trauma has a way of unmasking the true instability of the structures we live within.
As lightning strikes, we crumble in the face of loss—illness, financial instability, abandonment, or any number of human tragedies—we often feel as though we have been forgotten by those we love or the universe itself.
The lie of the ego is that trauma is an insult to the self, not an inevitability of the human experience. It is only when we approach suffering as an opportunity to learn more of our humanity that we can see the cracks in our foundation, which lead to our collapse.
Rebuilding must start in the body—the foundation we rely on. If you have not read Barefoot in the Aftermath, I invite you to begin there. That is where we learn the steps to start creating safety in the body.
We cannot begin psychological healing until the body feels safe enough to metabolize what it has endured.
If we rush this process, we risk retraumatization, illness, and even autoimmune disease.
Our minds cannot heal what our bodies cannot hold.
If we have taken the time to build strong enough physical scaffolding, it will be apparent when the time comes to build upon this strengthened foundation. This is when we can invite our mind into the healing process and begin building the internal barriers which protect our mind.
While we may hope for instant clarity, awakening, or rejuvenation, the process is rarely so linear. We often discover new somatic symptoms that were previously hidden by numbness or painful memories our minds have shielded from us.
This process is harrowing, but only arises when our nervous system begins to sense safety in a new and grounded way.
It may feel like a new death, but it is not.
This is the void between the last breath of death and the first air of rebirth.
There is a choice here: to sit in the ashes and rubble of destruction or to rebuild a new sovereign self which remains standing against the uncertainties of the outside world.
Soil of the Self
In moments of overwhelm, I often close my eyes and enter my own safe space. I find myself standing on the porch of a cottage, the setting sun peeking through the trees that separate me from the world of civilization.
I stare out into my imaginal, secret garden with herbs and flowers, listening to the birds and bees buzzing around me.
I often find a pen or paintbrush sitting on a table, charged with inspiration and waiting for me to act. Other times, a coffee, a chair, and moments of stillness.
This world within my mind is the soil I use to begin growing a fulfilling life, a life worth living.
This practice is where I began to truly know myself once again. By witnessing what filled my mind with safety, I was able to begin bridging those things into my real, daily life.
Safe place was where my roots began to grow; the fruit of that practice was how I allowed my life to transform as a result of my newfound awareness. What was once survival can now become new life.
Trauma fragments the self. Our mind creates versions of ourselves: the protector, the lover, the child. Instead of existing as our whole selves, we wait for life to create joy instead of creating it on our own.
“Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions.”
—The Dalai Lama
Accumulating positive emotions is a pivotal aspect of the emotion regulation modules of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, developed by Marsha Linehan.
Showing our minds that joy is an exercise of cultivation can prove to our wounded parts that their shields can be lowered. We can invite all parts of ourselves to meet and grow together as one.
With our bodies strengthened, we can begin building routines. Cues that show our frightened nervous systems that safety and calm are things we can choose to repeatedly return to.
Pillars of Daily Life
Trauma teaches us to brace, to expect the worst from even the most mediocre events. Repetition and routine can rewire our brains to trust safety again.
As with everything in trauma recovery, this can be jarring to our minds in the beginning. It feels much easier to numb and dissociate than it is to lean into the peace and safety that ritualized relaxation can bring.
Our body relies on daily cues: light, movement, sleep, hydration, and nutrition. These messages tell our body how to exist and show up in the world. If any of these areas are dysregulated, no amount of yoga, mindfulness, or ease will touch our broken nervous systems.
Key Elements of Healthy Routines
- Observation as Compass
- Consistently checking in with the body—Have I eaten? Did I sleep well? Am I hydrated? Have I moved my body? Look at what feels uncomfortable, one thing at a time. There’s no need to judge what is “good” or “bad”; everything you observe is simply a loving message from body to self.
- Relaxation as Refuge
- Try one thing at a time. Experiment with “safe space” and accumulating positive emotions. As you begin to notice which activities release tension and build calm, you can start slowly incorporating those into your daily routines.
- Committing Without Constraints
- Nothing changes without consistency. This doesn’t mean judging yourself when you don’t meet your goals; it means checking it to see why you’re struggling. Your life should work for you, not against you. This is an opportunity to see if you’ve added too much to your plate, or if something that used to bring peace has become a chore or source of anxiety. If it’s not working, change it, quit if you must, but skip the guilt.
Finding enjoyment in life starts within. When we’ve been fragmented by trauma, we lose touch with the nature of ourselves.
Once our structure is strengthened, we can fill it with light, the fuel that makes life worth living.
This is not a to-do list, but a gradual experimentation with who we want to be, how we want to show up in our daily lives, and what makes life worth living for our unique selves.
Accumulating Positive Emotions
This practice is about taking time out of the day to connect with yourself. Give yourself joy for no other reason than you deserve to enjoy the life you’re living.
If we want our minds to trust that peace can exist, even in the face of trauma, we must earn that trust through consistency.
This will differ from person to person, but experimenting and approaching this as a way to get to know yourself can be a fun and rewarding process. The following are some ideas that I’ve enjoyed, as well as some suggestions from others.
- Colouring
- Cross-words
- Zentangles
- Reading
- Puzzles
- Tarot
- Thrift store shopping
- Visiting a library
- Starting collections
- Reading at a coffee shop
- Movie night, no phone
- Stargazing
This is a very short list compared to the possibilities, but I will provide a couple of links at the end of the article with more to explore. Bringing just one thing a day into your life can truly increase the joy you feel.
A Room of One’s Own
“Lock up your libraries if you like; but there is no gate, no lock, no bolt that you can set upon the freedom of my mind.”
—Virginia Woolf, A Room of One’s Own
Once we know what fuels us versus what drains us, we can begin intentionally preparing and strengthening our minds against external stressors.
Instead of being catapulted into crisis and over-taken by our wounded parts, we can create times of peace, readying us before trauma strikes. Instead of mental fragmentation, we can build spaces of safety which we can choose to enter and exit, only when we are mentally ready.
Building Your Own Inner Sanctuary
- Unplug from your devices
- Though we may desperately want to be of service to those we love, we cannot do that when we are operating from a depleted self. Choosing when we engage with the outside world and when we retreat is a huge act of self-love and advocacy.
- Reduce Pressure
- If you can, eliminate immediate tasks and chores beforehand. Free up as much mental space as possible so you can immerse yourself in relaxation, without having to worry about everything you must get done afterwards. This can also provide a sense of accomplishment, but keep it small: do the dishes, tidy your space, care for your animals, etc.
- Treat Yourself—Body and Mind
- Indulge yourself. Some ideas: watch a movie you’ve been wanting to, get your favourite snack, explore somewhere new, play a video game, or spend an hour or two on a hobby.
The important point here is not to wait until after you have become overwhelmed, after trauma has eroded the self.
Keeping our cup full is the only way we can continue showing up for the people we love, our jobs, and ourselves as the people we want to be.
These can be small moments every day, like accumulating positive emotions or an hour to two a week, where we intentionally exit the demands of the external world. The more you get to know your individual needs, the easier it will be to sense when added support is necessary.
The Alchemy of Wholeness
If you treat this as a checklist that must be completed, you will not be successful. Instead, the shame-spiral that so often accompanies trauma will be reinforced.
If you’re unsure where to begin, choose one: your safe space practice, a small daily joy, or a simple routine like lighting a candle. Start small. The point isn’t doing everything—it’s beginning.
I often treat these activities as a date with myself. Someone I am just beginning to know. I wouldn’t rush to know everything or do everything in one date. I wouldn’t pressure my date into things that drained them or made them uncomfortable. I would take my time, enjoy each new thing I learn, and most importantly, I would focus on having fun.
When I began this work, I started with one thing at a time. First, I lit a candle at the same time every night and noticed that I felt a bit calmer. I wanted to expand that feeling, so I began doing yoga in bed while my candle was lit. As the calm and relaxation grew inside me, I naturally felt more ready to start experimenting with painting, colouring, and writing during the day.
“The past is like a broken mirror— you don’t remember but fleeting glimpses of it, sparse moments over many years, all combined in that distorted and fragmented picture. Whenever you try to gather the fragments of the past, it hurts your soul, just as shards of broken glass hurt your fingertips while trying to collect them from the ground.”
—Ahmed Salah Al-Mahdi
The path of sovereignty is creating a structure where the broken parts of ourselves can fuse together once again, a process of alchemy that builds something new and whole, where the was once only fragments.
There is no way to escape pain, loss, or trauma in this life. But so often, it is attempting to escape reality that causes us the most distress.
When we patiently allow ourselves to grow strong, we can build the resilience needed to love freely, express ourselves fully, and find peace inside pain.
Previously Published on substack
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